Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Oh You Pretty Things

Thedirty.com, the name speaks volumes, a collaborative effort amongst the scorned & belittled to enact faceless revenge on their trespasser. Oh you pretty things. Let us set aside any argument of scale I can suffice to discredit these scribes of injustice, or vanguard threats on my behalf. What we have, plain and simple, is a website who’s primary function is to bolster claims of smut and slander with less than flattering pictures. Brilliant. You post a couple of paragraphs and a picture of a slut to a website who’s job is post pictures of other sluts. That’s like posting a picture of John Travolta’s son to whoopsIslippedinthebathtub.com. It’s too easy. Do you think IP user 128.13.568 from Omaha cares about the girl from Boca squatting on a dildo for 311 tickets? No, they’re probably saying, ” Wouldn’t want to be that girl behind the pink stars.” Well that’s where me and Omaha go our separates.
Someone had to sit there, at their computer chair, and rack their brain for the perfect words of discordance to get their revenge, but you ultimately fail. It is them, those standing scantly clad in a portrait of dishonor who get to feel those words as you will never. You, Soldiers of their infinite notoriety lovingly post Testaments to their withstanding existence, because of an impact so meaningful, so profound upon you, that they brought forward emotions inside you likened to a Jew writing about Hitler, hated, but not soon forgotten. Unlike yourself who will come and go like Peewee Herman in a porn theater .You cried because of them. You felt insecure because of their actions. You are pawn. Merchants of your own un-doing because as the assaulted, smirks and smiles at your work, you feel empty knowing that no amount of words, embarrassing photos or subsequent laughter will fill that part of you that they took away and you’ll never get back.
It’s obvious that this rant isn’t out of pure happenstance, nor is it in rebuttal to any scandal of my own, though it makes me sad that it’s not. This is disclaimer that using a website like thedirty.com as your weapon of mass-humiliation makes you a particular individual devoid of any comical wit or cognitive capacity. May you continue to exploit your own insecurities to the world, hopefully soon you'll immortalize me. Fuck it I’ll write the damn thing you just post it. Anything you want to write derogatory about me you can already find on MY FACEBOOK. Even still, I feel compelled to detract from your little victories with this, my clever lampoon:

Willy Wanker & The Fudge Factory
Dear Nik,
I first saw this overly cocky little fairy, at an English pub pretending he was British. He goes out dressed like a little pixie with pants he probably bought at the baby gap that leave very little to the imagination. He walks around Boca with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and tries to pick fights wherever he goes even though Dakota Fanning outweighs him by an eighth-grader. He talks like Stewie Griffin but looks more like Kathy. Oh and he steals peoples girlfriends, have I left anything out? Email question & concerns to : bloodyhellit’sfeckintpcupo’teathenshinysixpences@gmail.com